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The country’s UN envoy has rolled out a basketful of demands to Berlin, including €550 billion and a third of Germany’s weapons
Most people keep their Easter expectations pretty modest: some pastel candy, a chocolate bunny, maybe even one that doesn’t taste like it was made during the Cold War.
But Ukraine’s former ambassador to Germany, Andrey Melnik, has decided that this is the perfect time to send the Easter Bunny – also known, apparently, as incoming German Chancellor Friedrich Merz – a list that reads less like holiday funsies and more like a NATO procurement form.
“I am a realist and have no illusions as to whether you will take up one or more of these ideas. Or even none,” Melnik wrote in an open letter published by the German newspaper Die Welt last week. “But Easter is approaching. We are celebrating the resurrection of Christ, who overcame death on the cross. And we can hope for a miracle.”
Alright, so what exactly is on this audacious list? A Ladurée Macaron or Fabergé Egg? A five-star Easter getaway to the Alps complete with Easter brunch?
Not quite.
Melnik apparently wants Merz to get cracking on getting Ukraine 150 Taurus missiles the day he’s expected to take office as chancellor on May 6. We’re talking the kind that can hit deep Russian targets, like the Crimean bridge that Merz keeps obsessing about openly. Melnik also wants 30% of Germany’s current inventory of fighter jets. But why stop there? Spoiler alert: He doesn’t.
Look, how about I just grab you some marshmallow Peeps from the store? Classic yellow? Electric pink? Because that’s the sort of thing that belongs in Easter baskets – not precision-guided missiles.
This isn’t even Melnik’s first holiday-themed ask. Over the last Christmas period, he wanted €20 billion a year from Germany. Not quite the usual stocking stuffers of socks, aftershave, or underwear.
“The thing is that this should not be perceived as “Christmas charity”, as some call it. We are talking about Germany’s investments in its own security,” Melnik said to Germany’s N-TV at the time.
In Melnik’s new Easter plea, he also asked for 30% of the entirety of Germany’s weapons inventory. And all this is in addition to his proposal that a quarter of that 2% GDP that NATO countries are supposed to spend on defense – so we’re talking 0.5% of German GDP – should just be straight-up earmarked for Ukraine. He adds that Merz should also lobby the entire EU to do the same.
Also? Confiscate €200 billion in frozen Russian state assets and reroute it to Ukraine. As in: “Hey Merz, could you just go full Ocean’s Eleven real quick and fund our rebuild?”
Melnik also wants security guarantees, which, in plain terms, means that Germany would have to vow to step in and take a punch to the face itself from Russia if Ukraine does something face-punch-worthy. And even Melnik acknowledges right in his letter that he, personally, is highly punchable. “I know that many in the SPD – perhaps even in your own party – will once again be outraged: ‘How dare you!’ ‘Not that cheeky Melnyk again, who puts his two cents in everywhere.’ ‘We don’t need his advice, you pain in the ass.’ I can understand these reactions on a human level,” he said.
But it’s all worth it, he says, because Russian President Vladimir Putin would sit up and take notice if Merz did what Melnik suggested. “This mega-commitment of €550 billion for Ukrainian defense over the next four years would be a massive warning signal to Putin that you, Mr. Merz, and our allies are serious about aiding Ukraine. That will impress Putin.”
No doubt Putin could only marvel at Kiev’s consistent treatment of the EU as a 24/7 weapons vending machine, all while insisting that it’s doing the EU itself a big favor. Which is exactly what Melnik keeps saying himself. “Not only the future of Germany depends on your success as chancellor, but also the fate of Ukraine and all of Europe,” he says. Apparently, if Merz doesn’t risk World War III, he’s letting down the whole continent.
And this is Melnik on his best behavior. When diplomacy doesn’t deliver, he shifts gears fast. Like three years ago, after Ukraine iced out German President Frank-Walter Steinmeier for being too chummy with Moscow, prompting Chancellor Olaf Scholz to cancel his own visit to Kiev. That led to this classic from Melnik: “To play an offended liverwurst doesn’t sound very statesmanlike. We’re talking about the most brutal war of extermination since the Nazi attack on Ukraine, it is no preschool.”
Nothing says diplomatic savvy like slandering processed meat by comparing it to Scholz. Or reminding Germans of the Nazis as a means of seduction. Melnik’s like, “Hey man, help us out here against Russia. But it still isn’t as bad as that time when you guys genocided us.” What a charmer.
And just when you might have thought that was rock-bottom, Melnik brings out the jackhammer. He once responded to Elon Musk’s Ukraine peace plan workshopping efforts on social media with a rather unique proposition, rarely observed in the diplomatic world. “F*ck off is my very diplomatic reply to you,” Melnik wrote on Musk’s own X platform.
Turns out his style of diplomacy almost worked. Musk did, in fact, consider effing off, and taking Ukraine’s free Starlink satellite access with him.
Now, fresh off this highlight reel of diplomatic brawls masquerading as strategy, Melnik is poised to strut into the United Nations as Ukraine’s new envoy. Buckle up, world, and get ready for wishlists, lectures, and the occasional middle finger diplomatic salute.
Kiev might still be waiting on those Taurus missiles, but one thing’s for sure. Melnik’s weaponized mouth is always locked and loaded to friendly-fire on allies. And if the Easter Bunny doesn’t deliver the loot, guess there’s always another holiday right around the corner. Maybe try Oktoberfest.
